Women are from Venus... Men are from some planet I have never astral projected to!

First, an update on the weight loss. I've stalled. I lost my Nutribuddy and went into a diet depression. Right now I have about 1/2 of a shelf in my pantry filled with little boxes of pre-cooked food. I keep looking at it and telling myself it won't hurt me but those darn brown sugar cinnamon PopTarts keep calling my name! I am, however, continuing to run so I figure I'm offsetting part of those 1 million calories. Now for the real story.

Speaking of running, I came home one night (very late) exhausted and stressed to the max. My shoulders were above my head and my head was about to explode from the tension headache. Not to speak of the knot I had in my shoulders. I decided to jump on the treadmill and run a couple of miles thinking it would wear me out. And wear me out it did. I completed my mileage and decided to sit in the chair right outside the room where my treadmill lives. (All of this is taking place upstairs and my hubby is downstairs watching the news.) The time is about 8 p.m. I fell asleep. Now just any sleep but hard, snoring, drool running down the side of my mouth sleep. I woke up about 10 p.m. and realized where I was.

I came stumbling down the stairs, hair plastered down on one side of my head and spiked on the other, dried drool on the side of my face and just a wee bit aggravated my husband had not even come upstairs to check on me. The audacity of this man. I could have been face down on the treadmill with my face half burned off by the belt and he would not have noticed. AND, my left arm is numb.

By the time I get downstairs I have worked myself into a frenzy and totally convinced I am having a heart attack. This fit perfectly into my logic as I had run harder than normal and probably stressed my heart. I was lucky I hadn't died right there in the chair.

When I announced the delimma to hubby his response was to walk to the kitchen and say "Here, take an aspirin." My head spun around when I realized he didn't even give me an aspirin but an ADVIL! So, let's add this up...

1. He leaves me upstairs to die and
   
2. He doesn't even care about getting me the right medicine.
   

Am I singing to the choir here gal pals?

I was so angry I stormed off to the bedroom (with my numb arm flying in the breeze) and took a bath to wash that drool off my face. Afterwards I decided to give hubby a chance to make amends (what was I thinking?). I announce my arm is feeling somewhat better and he announces I am interrupting the show he is watching. But, he has the aspirin bottle handy, just in case.

I can't even see I am so mad. I decide to go to bed but wake up at 1 a.m. realizing he is still up and hasn't come to check on me. What if I had died!! Right there in the bed!

I've had enough! I storm into the den and give him a piece of my mind for being an uncaring human being. He replies ... "I knew you weren't going to die. See, you're standing right here." as he holds up the aspirin bottle. He is just lucky that bottle didn't get stuck where the sun doesn't shine.

My retort was as follows: "You obviously don't care if I die BUT, let me tell you something Mister. If I die, it's going to be in that bed and dead people pee all over themselves. That Tempur-pedic mattress will be ruined so you won't be able to put another women on my side of the bed!"

And with that, I relaxed and went to bed. Slept like a baby the remainder of the night. Future revenge is so sweet.

Attack of the Cadillac or "Don't buy cars if you don't understand the technology"

I drive an SUV. No, I'm not proud of it but I succumbed to a weak moment at the thought of being able to haul large amounts of antiques in the back. Not that I have ever hauled an antique but... if I need to I am equipped. Also, the thought of having a truck that has the capability of going across a rough muddy terrain was appealing. Don't ask me why but I ended up with an SUV that is capable of climbing Mount Everest while towing a 40 foot RV. Again, that "in case I need to" mentality kicked in.

So, my heart began to ache because I am an environmentalist. I truly believe we must conserve our natural resources and here I am driving a car that gets 18 miles to the gallon during a gas shortage. Action must be taken and soon!! Got my sweet hubby (who is always the victim) in gear and off we go to drive cars with good gas mileage. How we ended up at the Cadillac dealer is beyond me but we did.

I made the mistake of wearing my good jewelry that day so the salesman practically ran out of the building and had several lined up before we could say boo. We drove a couple that were less than appealing (but in our price range) but THEN we made the mistake of jumping up to the $75k models.

We climbed up in these monsters like we could afford them!! Drove the first one around and got totally immersed in the gadgetry and flashing lights. The best thing was the electronic ignition. You didn't even have to take your key out of your purse! You just get this little keyfob within so many feet of the car, push the button and you are off.

"What a dream and how convenient" I thought.

After all, how many times have I dropped groceries and shopping bags digging for my keys in the parking lot. And, it is a matter of safety in case I am being chased by a wild animal and need to get into the car quickly. (I'm very good at justifying the purchase of a car). That little keyfob was worming it's way right into my heart and pocket book.

My husband had a moment of lucidity and tried to tell the salesman the car we just finished driving just wasn't quite the right model. Made up some excuse about a feature it didn't have and, I'll be darned, he had one on the lot that had just that feature. And in the color I mentioned earlier I really wanted to have! Drove it up, plopped us right in and sent us on our way while he got yet another one ready for us to drive upon our return. We obviously were impressed. He was letting us take this expensive toy out without supervision. We had achieved the next level! I was sure an invitation to a most exclusive country club was in our future.

About 4 miles down the road I noted the emergency flashers were blinking. Being the Information Technology professional that I am, I assessed the situation and pushed the button I knew to be the flasher controls. To my dismay, the car went dead. Yes, I had pressed that little electronic ignition button. My husband, who is not an IT professional, knew what had happened right away and instructed me (with some additional comments) to pull to the side. Luckily we were in a residential area so the traffic was non-existent. No problem, I'll just punch that little button and start the car again.

WRONG..

The salesman had sent us off with a big ole toothy smile but still had that precious little keyfob in his pocket and his pocket wasn't in the car with us. To add insult to injury, both my husband and I had forgotten our cellphones. Our only solution was to walk the 4 miles back to the dealership in the 115 degree heat (and I'm not exaggerating on the temperature either).

We yelled and screamed at each other all the way back in between hysterical laughing at the situation. At one point I had to sit down on the sidewalk to recover myself. I was sweating (or glistening which is the Southern Belle term) profusely and had little pieces of tissue stuck to my face and chest where I was trying to wipe the sweat from my brow. No water in sight and, of course, no cars to give us a ride back. We walked the entire 4 miles with the exception of a few feet.

Eureka! The salesman sees us when we are within a few feet of the parking lot and jumps into a car to pick us up. My hero!

Wrong again...

He pulls up, throws us in and announces he is taking us to pick up the stalled car and we can take this one around the block. I was in the backseat with my face firmly planted inside the air conditioner vent trying to extract some type of water from the cold air. He stops in front of the Satan possessed car, throws open door and instructs me to get in and drive. My husband, a Vietnam veteran who is excellent at assessing dangerous situations, held up his hand and said "Don't do it. Just get in the driver's seat." He knew I was about to deck the guy. In my weakened state I crawled into the driver's seat and reached down to adjust the seat controls when the salesman promptly shut the door and crushed my hand between the seat and the door.

"ENOUGH!! I'm going to run him over!! The world must be saved from this man", I shouted.

Again, my emotionally stable husband saved the day by holding onto the steering wheel until the angel of Satan departed the area. "Just drive and we'll get cooled off." he says. I retrieved my mangled hand from between the seat and door, applied it to the steering wheel (making sure I got no where near that ignition button) and began to drive.

Everything is going well, we are getting cooled off, my hand has quit throbbing in pain and oddly enough, the car is a joy to drive. My husband looks up and says "What is this red button on the rear view mirror?" Before I could slap his hand away he pushes it and we hear

"OnSTAR, what is your emergency!!"

Oh great. We are in a car we don't own without the salesman (again) and have now instructed the OnSTAR people to go to Defcon 5. We are going to JAIL now. I explain we are test driving the car and my husband accidentally pushed the button and, no - we don't need him to run diagnostics, deploy an air ambulance, unlock our keys to save our child, deploy the airbags, call our family to let them know we are ok and we know where we are so we don't need directions. Crisis averted one more time.

We get back to the dealership where my husband begs to enter the air conditioned building. We are offered 2 ounces of Diet Coke (without ice) and given the tough sales speech. Hubby is picking the bits of tissue off of my face while explaining to the salesman we are not prepared to buy a car that almost precipitated an international incident. Slowly we make our way out, get into my safe SUV (where we have frozen bottles of water waiting in the 4 most excellent cup holders) and drive home.

The next morning I am recounting the unfortunate incident to my cousin when she asks

"Why didn't you just push the OnSTAR button on the first car. They would have called the dealership?"

DUH!!!!

So, the moral of this story is I'm driving that gas guzzling SUV until the wheels fall off. It has never stopped on me, always starts with a key, provides me safety and security and drives like a dream. Of course, I'm not sure that little bugger didn't call the Cadillac with my bluetooth headset to let it know it would pay it for stranding me so I wouldn't trade it in.